What Is Your Attachment Style – And Why Does It Matter?
What Is Your Attachment Style – And Why Does It Matter?
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to thrive in relationships while others struggle with trust, closeness, or fear of abandonment? A big part of the answer lies in something called attachment style. Your attachment style is basically the way you connect emotionally with the important people in your life – and it starts forming in early childhood.
As babies, we look to our primary caregivers for comfort and safety. Over time, these early interactions help shape how we relate to others, especially in romantic relationships later in life.
Psychologists Hazan and Shaver (1987) found that the emotional bonds we form with romantic partners are similar to the ones we had with our caregivers. In other words, how we “attach” as kids can influence how we love as adults.
Let’s break down the two main types of attachment in adulthood: secure and insecure.
Secure Attachment: Comfortable with Closeness
People with a secure attachment style are usually comfortable with intimacy and trust. They’re able to rely on their partners and let their partners rely on them without feeling anxious or overwhelmed. They’re not afraid of getting too close, and they don’t constantly worry about being left or rejected.
Because of this emotional balance, secure individuals tend to have strong, long-lasting relationships—and they’re less likely to experience breakups or divorce (Kirkpatrick & Davis, 1994).
Where does this come from? Often, from growing up in a warm, supportive environment where parents were emotionally available and had a healthy relationship themselves.
Insecure Attachment: When Relationships Feel Risky
On the flip side, insecure attachment can make relationships feel more complicated and emotionally draining. There are two main subtypes here: anxious and avoidant.
Anxious Attachment: “Do You Really Love Me?”
If you find yourself constantly needing reassurance in relationships, or feeling panicked when your partner is emotionally distant, you might have an anxious attachment style. People with this style often fear being abandoned and crave closeness—sometimes to the point of feeling dependent or overly needy.
They may become jealous easily or worry excessively about their partner’s commitment. Unfortunately, this intensity can lead to short-lived or rocky relationships. Many anxiously attached people describe their childhood as lacking warmth, or their parents as having a difficult relationship (Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998).
Avoidant Attachment: “I Don’t Need Anyone”
On the other hand, some people pull away when things get emotionally close. That’s characteristic of an avoidant attachment style. These individuals often struggle to trust others, fear dependence, and prefer to handle things on their own.
They may keep partners at arm’s length or feel uncomfortable opening up, which makes it tough to form deep, lasting emotional bonds. This pattern often stems from childhood experiences with emotionally distant or rejecting caregivers.
Why It Matters
For this article – and for many studies on the topic – the focus is on insecure attachment, because that’s where most people run into trouble. Whether it’s constant anxiety or an inability to get close, insecure attachment can affect how we show up in relationships and how fulfilled we feel in them.
The good news? Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. With awareness, reflection, and sometimes a little help (hello, therapy!), people can shift toward more secure ways of connecting.
So, what’s your attachment style – and how is it showing up in your relationships?
Saovanee (Bigg) Noppaprach, PhD C.P., Counseling Psychologist
